Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional(ly unstable).

You know how they say you can hide from everyone but yourself?  Ugh.  I hate admitting when anyone but myself is right.  I fucked up hardcore last night, and I didn't do too much better tonight.  I had myself convinced that I was numb to it.  Then tonight, literally seconds after laughing with my mom, I closed my door to get ready for bed and out of nowhere, BOOM, open the floodgates.

You know what REALLY sucks, and I'm REALLY baffled about it?
I don't care about letting myself down; I'm used to that.  I don't care about letting anyone else down.  I care about letting my therapist down.  I know he says that that's not the case...but when all of the stupid shit I did over the past few days hit me, and I realized how much I would have to admit to, that's when I started crying.  We made a connection, months ago, regarding transference and my therapist and my father.  Because my therapist gives me the attention/acceptance/understanding that I never got from my father, I have transferred almost all other emotions/expectations onto Mark.  I DID, however, get PLENTY of lessons on consequences and disappointment growing up, so maybe that's what I'm expecting?
I feel like therapists should be able to tell their colleagues or family or friends or whoever those people talk to about their success stories; especially my therapist, who deserves to tell nothing BUT success stories.  I let myself believe, now and then, that I would be one of them.  And then I just mess everything up, and I know I'm not going back to square one, but I have to go back farther than the last time I stumbled.  I'm supposed to be good at things!  If I'm not good at something, why would I do it?  UGH.  I don't mean for that to sound completely defeated/given up...but it's a thought that's running through my mind.  Ugh crying again.  WHO AM I I DON'T CRY WHAT THE FUCK.

FUCK!

Oh and of course I waited too long to get my meds refilled, so unless my pharmacy or my elusive psychiatrist can pull off a miracle, I'll be even more fucked up AND going through withdrawal symptoms!  f.m.l.