Like the ceiling can't hold us

See, this is why I should post more often.  I have no clue where to fucking begin.  Life is hard, clearly.

I'm doing fairly well!  What has even happened since Sunday...
I don't remember Monday or Tuesday...I know I slept a lot on Monday, and slept a little late on Tuesday...that's sad that that's all I can remember.  That was also a lot of "thats" for one sentence.
Wednesday I worked most of the day, and then I had a DATE!  Geez I never thought I'd say that, it's only been....10 years since John...oye.  I left straight from work and met Andy at Pinstripes.  I think we planned on doing some bowling or bocce, but we ended up just sitting at the bar for dinner.  Ahi tuna gnocchi--AMAZING.  HIGHLY recommended.  He seems like a cool guy, minus the fact that he's a Packers fan....omg awful.  It was great, a new experience for me.  We're going to go see Jurassic Park soon.  Speaking of, OMG SO EXCITED JURASSIC PARK IS THE BEST I LOVE DINOSAURSSSSSSSSSS.
Okay. That's out of me.
Yesterday I picked up my newly altered dress (holy fuck the wedding is a week from today!) then worked, then passed out.  Today I had to work at 8fuckingAM.  Fucked o'clock, as we used to say in high school.  LONG day.  Then my mom and I had dinner at Irish Legend in Willow Springs.  Our server, Shane, had a mega hot Irish brogue...meltinggggg.  There was a "domestic disturbance" between a couple, so after my Magners and fish n chips we left.  THEN I headed into the city, picked up Mooney, and we found a hookah place, Carthage Cafe, in a super shady neighborhood.  The place looked really cool, we had a private room with couches and stuff, and the hookah was good.  Otherwise....well, not going back there.  We planned to go to the zoo on the Sunday after the wedding, I'm very excited.
I can't remember much more...just too tired.
kbye.

You'll never ever ever cease to be, to be amazing to me

Yeah I've been listening to Todd Tuesday.

Today, I drove Darby to the airport.  I'm not okay with this.  It was really hard to enjoy Easter, even with the great mass this morning and the great dinner this evening, even though Jim and Vicky brought Laika the rocket puppy.  Right when I pulled away from the airport I started sobbing, and definitely got some weird looks from other drivers on Cicero/55.  All day I was just sad.  It felt like my insides were gone, like I was just hollow, feeling this incredible void where my heart should be.  Now, however, I'm panicking.  I'm grateful I found some old valium/klonopin.  Now my insides are back, they just feel like they're made of concrete and weigh 200lbs.  I can't describe the pain in my heart.  It's like it's simultaneously pounding against my ribs and being ripped apart.  I've never been as close to anyone as I am to her; never let anyone in as much as I let her.  Whenever I needed someone, she was there.  She knows my triggers, my symptoms, and the skills that help me most.  With her on the other end of the country now, I'm panicking.

I just realized I'm making it sound like she died.  That's not good.  I just don't know how long it'll take for me to adjust to this.

I'm done.  I can't focus on anything else right now, so this is all.

Brace yourselves...

Ugh yeah, I decided it would be a great idea to COMPLETELY destroy my sleep cycle by getting into Game of Thrones.  Terrible idea.  <3 NETFLIX <3

I'm a little too tired to post much now (aka I need to go watch GoT before I pass out), so I'm just telling you all to BRACE YOURSELVES...Darby, my best friend in the whole wide world, whom I see the most out of all my TK friends, who knows me inside and out, who knows my triggers and my symptoms and how to call me out on my bullshit, is going back to California on Sunday.  She's going to NYC on Wednesday and coming back Saturday, then I'm driving her to the airport on Sunday, and then.....FUCK.
I haven't planned for this.....how do you plan for this!?  stressssssssssssssssssss

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one that needed saving

Couple things to touch on tonight, good and bad.  I'll start with the bad so I can end on the good I suppose.

I'm going to have to be vague here to respect privacy, so try to ignore how cryptic this is.
A good friend of mine got into a bad situation..some asshole she knows duped her into feeling bad and checking on him, then when she got there she found out he was fine, just trying to get her over, and when she tried to leave he got violent and took advantage of her.  I mean there's more to it, but again, privacy.
This absolutely floored me when she told me...just when I was putting my faith in humanity back together.  Some might call me selfish for focusing on my reaction and my emotions, but this is my blog.  If you want to read her story, I hear she's going to write an amazing book one day.  So chill it.
I was mostly shocked and confused at first, it didn't really set in until I got home last night.  Men still do these things.  What a fucked up world.  Any man who uses his strength and size to harm a woman should be beaten and eaten by a rancor.  I'm not trying to be funny here...that's just the first image to pop into my head.  So though I stressed about it, I was able to fall asleep.  Then had the most graphic, most violent nightmares since the weeks after I was raped.  It was like a horror movie going on in my head, over and over, and I remember thinking, in my dream, why can't I wake up?  It was awful.  So graphic...why do I only remember every exact detail--down to colors, sounds, even smells--of my nightmares?  I can still feel the tactile sensations, the physical pain... I woke myself up screaming 3 times, at least one time I had been thrashing around, I already have bruises on my legs and wrist from hitting the metal frame of my bed.
I don't know how I got back to sleep, but the next round of nightmares was interrupted by my alarm.  I woke up in full panic attack, so I reset the alarm in the hopes that I could lay in bed and calm myself down before I had to get up for work.  Instead I fell asleep again, starting the dream off right where I'd left it.  When my alarm went off again, I called in sick to work.  I don't have a PRN, but since my old one was an antihistamine, I took some benadryl and tried to calm down, then I fell asleep again.  I thankfully don't remember any dreams from that.  I went to dinner with my parents and spent the whole time wringing my hands and frantically texting my therapist.  Awful...  I ended up seeing Darby for some self-soothing, which kind of worked.  Except we watched a show that, even though it's a comedy, big time triggered me.  On my drive home, I started having flashbacks to my rape.  Vivid graphic memories kept flashing in front of my eyes, and the iron grip on my lungs squeezed so hard, I was seeing spots...I was able to stay in the present though by driving on the highway in 30degree weather with my window wide open.  I might get sick but the important thing is I got home safe.  And now I'm here.
God, writing it down feels so good.  Thanks for sharing in my catharsis.

And now, for the better news.
Today marks the one YEAR anniversary of my last suicide attempt, which landed me in the hospital for the 8th and last time of my life (thus far, not gonna head ahead of myself).

I don't really have the energy to be excited right now erg.

I have also been ED-behavior-free for 3 weeks, purge-free for 2 months, and self-harm-free for 2 months.  So yeah, go me.

You can turn off the sun, but I'm still gonna shine

Ahhhhh LIFE!  Let's see.  The past week has been pretty uneventful.  On February 28th I decided that this ED thing is bullshit, and it's just like having a nasty boss or professor or something (JUST AN ANALOGY, PEOPLE)....like, it's there, and there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well make my life with it as good as possible.  In October I started making short-term goals.  For example, my goal for October was no hospitalizations.  Then I made that goal for November, then for the rest of 2012.  I've discovered that goals are nowhere near as daunting if you adjust the time frame.  Instead of saying "no hospitalizations for 2013" (which I totally plan), I'm taking it month by month.  I can't handle the thought of giving up my vices (bingeing purging self-harming etc) forever, but I CAN handle it for this week.  Or this month. And sometimes, if I have to, I can tell myself that I can just suck it up and handle it for one day.  24 hours later, I can make that goal again.  So, while my goals are ideally long-term, I'm taking it easy.  SO my goals for March are: no hospitalizations, no self-harm, and no ED behaviors.  So far, I've got one week down!  I know the rest of the month may not be so easy, especially with the bachelorette party coming up and plenty of other things.  But if I tell myself I can do it for one month, then I'll only be one month stronger come April.
So that brings me to my main point: I'm fucking awesome.  I'm rocking my recovery, I'm distancing myself from those who are toxic to me, and I'm taking care of the things that make my life unnecessarily stressful, one thing at a time.  I plan on moving back to my room this month.  I don't like it and I don't want it, but it needs to be done.
My new counter manager started on Tuesday.  I'm still sad that I didn't get the position, but so far she's super nice.  First day there and she dove head-on into working, cleaning, getting acclimated, etc.  I can tell she's going to be very good for our counter, and I'm excited to see how things pan out!
I guess something I need to touch on, that I'm currently in emotional denial about, is Darby's leaving Chicago.  I have about 3 weeks left before she goes back to California, for necessary and well-thought-out reasons.  I'm really happy that she made this choice, and I really hope she gets what she needs, because she deserves it.  I know that what I'm feeling is legitimate, and she knows it too.  She has become my best friend, despite the age difference.  No one understands me and puts up with me the way she does, and I always know that I have a place to go when I want/need to with her.  Lately I've been feeling extremely angry about Ariel...a lot like, don't talk to me about her because she left us.  I guess I'm grieving backwards?  I don't know...but Darby brought up a good point about a connection between Ariel killing herself and Darby leaving the city.  I haven't felt any ill feelings at all for Darby, but I have noticed myself getting increasingly angry with Ariel.  So here are my thoughts.... It's easier for me to be angry at Ariel, because she's dead, and she left us without warning, and never considered what she could be or do for the world.  Darby isn't doing any of those things, just leaving the state temporarily to get well again.  So instead of dealing with my secondary emotions of sadness, abandonment and intense fear (ESPECIALLY the extreme and crippling fear), I go with anger, because it's easier.  I'm not mad at Darby though....I AM mad at Ariel, and since, at its most basic, the situation is the same, I am choosing to be mad at Ariel instead of dealing with the idea that I will have to go through more grieving with the "loss," as temporary as it may be, of Darby.
THIS is why I blog...none of that had processed in my head until it came out of my fingertips onto the keyboard.
As Mark would say, "This sounds like a good thing to talk about on Wednesday."  I'm too tired to sort out my emotions now, but now that I have a good idea of what NEEDS to be sorted out, well, that's a start.  Whew!  Mental catharsis!

Now I should really sleep.  Long shift tomorrow, and if my track record holds strong, I will be sicker in the morning than I was today.  BLERG!  I hate being sick.

Since this link is still copied, I guess I'll post this here.  I fucking love Macklemore...this is actually a serious and awesome song (Thrift Shop is still awesome, but on a different level).  It's pretty awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0

I ate a cho and I liked it

It's been a while!  That's actually not a terrible thing....I find that I post less when I'm in a good place, so yay!  I know I still need to be updating, at least for gratitude lists or whatever.  But anyway, I had an amazing day today, so I thought I'd write about it.  I'm going to tie recovery into the post too somehow.
Let's back up a week or so.  Actually, give me one second to read my last post so I don't repeat myself...

...

Oh yeah!  ED anger and dissociated what-the-fucks!  There we go.  So, 2 weeks ago was my future sister-in-law's bridal shower.  It was so awesome to hang out with the bridal party, I'm really excited to be with all of them.  Next stop, bachelorette party!  I got 2 attendance points taken away for calling off work to be there, but family comes first.

Hmm not much else has happened...Still kicking ass and taking names at work, even with the load of pressure dropped on me.  I'm very impressed with myself; old Julie would be broken and probably back in the hospital by now.  Woohoo for recovery Julie!

I had my session with Mark on Wednesday, and it was almost a 45 minute chat about life; no catastrophes, no drama (no BIG drama, anyway), no slip-ups to confess to.  It was really cool to go in and not have to whine or cry or change subjects, just talk about life and work and boybands.  Quality therapy.  It was a very expensive chat--let's be real here--but aside from that, cool.

I guess that brings me to today.  I feel so good about today!  I dunno.  Anyway, Kristin took the train out today, where I picked her up and we drove to TK for the closing festivities of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, which included a CRAZY and HILARIOUS...what shall we call it...show?? by the dietitians and ED specialists, they danced and Terese sang "I ate a cho and I liked it" to the tune of Katy Perry's song...oh my god, dying, it was so funny.  Then there was an alumnae panel Q & A, which was kinda cool, despite the whole you-don't-need-to-go-to-12-step-groups parts.
After that, we went to visit Roseann, then went to the alum dinner.  Panera Mediterranean veggie sandwich...DELICIOUS.  When that ended, we realized it wasn't even 7:00 yet, so we went out to hookah, SOBER, so that she could see what a good time looked like in recovery.  It was really awesome to hang out with her outside the white fence, we talked a lot, and I just feel awesome.

Oh and hey, it's March.  This is a big month for me.  March 18 will be the anniversary of my last suicide attempt, and also marks my last hospitalization.  A whole year!!  I know I spent over 4 months of that in treatment...but I absolutely could have broken and been sent to the hospital from there, so, yeah...pretty fucking proud of myself right now.

I've been self-harm and purge-free for over a month now.  Recovery is fucking awesome, dude.  It's a "high" that lasts forever, so much better than any other, artificially/physically induced high, with none of the side effects :)  I'm going to make this last.  And if I slip?  That doesn't mean it went away, or that it stopped.  I just work my way back up, and it's still there.

I'm walking into spiderwebs

I know I need to blog I KNOW.  I just don't have the energy to right now.  So I'll just post this picture that a friend of mine put on facebook and let you imagine my reaction.

Makes me want to throw up.  For more than one reason.  ARGH.  Also I found this poem, I know nothing about the background, but it's raw and real and hit me like a semi.

By Coco Sandes

1.
when it’s dark
and late
and i’m walking alone
my body is
whirring in time with my frantic heartbeat
and in my mind
the news broadcaster is telling me that
one in three women will be a
victim 
of sexual assault in their lifetime -
well, i went out with two other girls tonight
so which one does that make me?

2.
arms crossed
head down
walk fast
no streetlights?
cross the street
keys between fingers
cell phone in hand
thinking,
it’s so hard to move quickly
in such a goddamn tight dress.

3.
numbers, figures, stories -
they roll off your tongue in conversation
and you sometimes forget that
each
statistic-victim-survivor-horrorstory
was
brutally
brutally
brutally
created
a third of women
will have something fucked from inside them,
adam cracking eve’s chest to pluck an excess rib for himself
taken just because he could
just to store away and rub and polish

4.
this feeling is the kind of unclean
that no amount of showers can fix.

5.
and then,
the questions -
why were you walking alone?
why didn’t you catch a cab?
why were you dressed the way you were dressed?
why didn’t you scream?
why didn’t you run?
why didn’t you fight?
and as you feel your tongue recoil with the hot blast of shame, you think -
why don’t you askthemwhy they burnt a part of me to the ground
and spat on the ashes?

6.
you don’t have to tell us
that not all men are
“like that” -we have fathers, brothers, male lovers too
but statistically,
more of you are
“like that”
than you care to admit
and sometimes, we do not know if we are stepping into
dante’s inferno
or
grandmother’s cottage
until we are well and truly through the door

7.
if you can try and feel me up
in a crowded train at peak hour
i shudder to think what you would do
had you come across me walking home alone

8.
if you claim that you are “neutral”
when it comes to rape culture -
that men shouldn’t rape
but women shouldn’t dress like sluts
and yes, rape is wrong, but what if it’s a misunderstanding -
then you are as far away from neutral
as i want to be from you
neutrality is something
that you can feel
when someone asks,
“do you like glee?”
or
“would you like some more cake?”
it is not, however
an appropriate response
- a humane response -
to the questions of
“do you think people ever ask to be raped?”
and
“if they didn’t say no, that means it’s ok, right?”
your silence
your “neutrality”
is as hurtful as the hands
that so many women have been
invaded by
held down by
pushed up a fence, fingers in mouth, torn apart by

9.
no, i’m not interested in giving you my number.
i hope you understand.