Your head is running wild again

I'll post a blog.  I have nothing better to do since I can't sleep because I'm out of my meds >_<

ED has been a big problem lately.  It hit big last night...went out for the Hawks game and I'd like to say I didn't realize how much I was eating but oh I DID.  Afterwards I was like I have to throw up I HAVE TO THROW UP GET IT OUT OF ME NOW.  But I didn't.  And so I cried about it.  I had food/ED nightmares all night.  Then today there was a lot of talk about sizing and people telling me "Oh you'd look so good in this, it's at Forever 21 you should get it!"  And I have to say THEY DON'T HAVE MY SIZE.  NOWHERE YOU SHOP CARRIES MY SIZE.  I am disgusting.  So I just spent about an hour between my ED friends' facebook pages being jealous of their sizes and on my pro-ana site looking through thinspiration pictures.  I looked at a friend's page, a picture of her at her worst, and thought wow, I wish I was on THAT side of ED unhappiness.  Then I thought well, she's back at TK right now, so clearly it's not going well for her.  THEN I thought, I'd LOVE to have to go back to TK because of being deathly thin.  I want the gap.  I want the bones.  I want the hollowness.  Doesn't help that every day at work I have to pass the swimsuits.  Oh hi Michael Kors, I love you but the only thing you make that will ever fit me is a purse!  :(

Someone posted in the TK group, "Choose recovery."  Such a simple statement, and I'm having SO much trouble with it.  I hate that I've been going back for alumni for almost a year now and still haven't had any weight loss to be noticed and admired.  

I don't know what else is going on.  This is just all consuming right now.  Which is how I feel when I eat.  ((bad pun))

Stupid.  So stupid!

Chances are dynamite

You ever start watching a movie or a tv show or reading a book and realize it's the same story line as everything else only with different people and settings?  Story of my fucking life.  Today, I hate myself, and I hate my life, and I hate the way that I chose to deal with my sorry life today.  I've been self harming again.  One cut is too much and 1000 is never enough, right? Fuck. I can't even write any more.  I just hate everything.  I know, all things are passing.  This will not last.  But I am SO. FUCKING. SICK. of people telling me "just don't let it get to you!"  OBVIOUSLY IF I'M TALKING ABOUT IT, IT HAS ALREADY GOTTEN TO ME, AND YOUR SHITSTACK OF SO-CALLED ADVICE IS BULLSHIT AND I WANT TO HIT YOU.  If you can't help me with my problems, then don't give me bullshit like that.  Fucking invalidating as FUCK.  Fuck this.

Oh we had everything

I can't believe myself. Un-fucking-believable.  I have come so far in recovery, and as I said in my speech at TK, one of the greatest lessons I learned was how to detach with love.  I did that.  I detached from about 75% of my life without regret, because I knew it would be the best thing for me in the long run.  Then I went to see a friend's show in the city, a friend from high school.  She was amazing of course as usual as I knew she would be.  I was so SO awesome to see her and hang out with her afterwards.  So then we made plans to go see another friend's show on Saturday night.  We made plans with 3-4 other people from high school, and I got really excited to see them.

Big surprise, everything fell through (aka they're going the night I can't go) and had I not asked someone about the timing of the show, I probably never would have been told.

I'M SORRY, IS IT 2005 AGAIN!?  WHAT THE FUCK!  So ALLLLLLLLL these feelings and memories came just FLOODING to the front of my brain, and yet again, 8 years later, I'm crying for the same reasons.  I have to stop this nonsense.  Now I find myself trying to rearrange my schedule so that I can go with them tomorrow night.  Why?  ONCE AGAIN, I find myself trying to compromise my life, plans, schedule, whatever, so that it could fit THEIR lives.  It's not worth it.  I so so so wish it just could have worked out, but maybe this is a sign from the universe.  Take 2 steps forward, not 8 years back. BIG SIGH.

Like the ceiling can't hold us

See, this is why I should post more often.  I have no clue where to fucking begin.  Life is hard, clearly.

I'm doing fairly well!  What has even happened since Sunday...
I don't remember Monday or Tuesday...I know I slept a lot on Monday, and slept a little late on Tuesday...that's sad that that's all I can remember.  That was also a lot of "thats" for one sentence.
Wednesday I worked most of the day, and then I had a DATE!  Geez I never thought I'd say that, it's only been....10 years since John...oye.  I left straight from work and met Andy at Pinstripes.  I think we planned on doing some bowling or bocce, but we ended up just sitting at the bar for dinner.  Ahi tuna gnocchi--AMAZING.  HIGHLY recommended.  He seems like a cool guy, minus the fact that he's a Packers fan....omg awful.  It was great, a new experience for me.  We're going to go see Jurassic Park soon.  Speaking of, OMG SO EXCITED JURASSIC PARK IS THE BEST I LOVE DINOSAURSSSSSSSSSS.
Okay. That's out of me.
Yesterday I picked up my newly altered dress (holy fuck the wedding is a week from today!) then worked, then passed out.  Today I had to work at 8fuckingAM.  Fucked o'clock, as we used to say in high school.  LONG day.  Then my mom and I had dinner at Irish Legend in Willow Springs.  Our server, Shane, had a mega hot Irish brogue...meltinggggg.  There was a "domestic disturbance" between a couple, so after my Magners and fish n chips we left.  THEN I headed into the city, picked up Mooney, and we found a hookah place, Carthage Cafe, in a super shady neighborhood.  The place looked really cool, we had a private room with couches and stuff, and the hookah was good.  Otherwise....well, not going back there.  We planned to go to the zoo on the Sunday after the wedding, I'm very excited.
I can't remember much more...just too tired.
kbye.

You'll never ever ever cease to be, to be amazing to me

Yeah I've been listening to Todd Tuesday.

Today, I drove Darby to the airport.  I'm not okay with this.  It was really hard to enjoy Easter, even with the great mass this morning and the great dinner this evening, even though Jim and Vicky brought Laika the rocket puppy.  Right when I pulled away from the airport I started sobbing, and definitely got some weird looks from other drivers on Cicero/55.  All day I was just sad.  It felt like my insides were gone, like I was just hollow, feeling this incredible void where my heart should be.  Now, however, I'm panicking.  I'm grateful I found some old valium/klonopin.  Now my insides are back, they just feel like they're made of concrete and weigh 200lbs.  I can't describe the pain in my heart.  It's like it's simultaneously pounding against my ribs and being ripped apart.  I've never been as close to anyone as I am to her; never let anyone in as much as I let her.  Whenever I needed someone, she was there.  She knows my triggers, my symptoms, and the skills that help me most.  With her on the other end of the country now, I'm panicking.

I just realized I'm making it sound like she died.  That's not good.  I just don't know how long it'll take for me to adjust to this.

I'm done.  I can't focus on anything else right now, so this is all.

Brace yourselves...

Ugh yeah, I decided it would be a great idea to COMPLETELY destroy my sleep cycle by getting into Game of Thrones.  Terrible idea.  <3 NETFLIX <3

I'm a little too tired to post much now (aka I need to go watch GoT before I pass out), so I'm just telling you all to BRACE YOURSELVES...Darby, my best friend in the whole wide world, whom I see the most out of all my TK friends, who knows me inside and out, who knows my triggers and my symptoms and how to call me out on my bullshit, is going back to California on Sunday.  She's going to NYC on Wednesday and coming back Saturday, then I'm driving her to the airport on Sunday, and then.....FUCK.
I haven't planned for this.....how do you plan for this!?  stressssssssssssssssssss

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one that needed saving

Couple things to touch on tonight, good and bad.  I'll start with the bad so I can end on the good I suppose.

I'm going to have to be vague here to respect privacy, so try to ignore how cryptic this is.
A good friend of mine got into a bad situation..some asshole she knows duped her into feeling bad and checking on him, then when she got there she found out he was fine, just trying to get her over, and when she tried to leave he got violent and took advantage of her.  I mean there's more to it, but again, privacy.
This absolutely floored me when she told me...just when I was putting my faith in humanity back together.  Some might call me selfish for focusing on my reaction and my emotions, but this is my blog.  If you want to read her story, I hear she's going to write an amazing book one day.  So chill it.
I was mostly shocked and confused at first, it didn't really set in until I got home last night.  Men still do these things.  What a fucked up world.  Any man who uses his strength and size to harm a woman should be beaten and eaten by a rancor.  I'm not trying to be funny here...that's just the first image to pop into my head.  So though I stressed about it, I was able to fall asleep.  Then had the most graphic, most violent nightmares since the weeks after I was raped.  It was like a horror movie going on in my head, over and over, and I remember thinking, in my dream, why can't I wake up?  It was awful.  So graphic...why do I only remember every exact detail--down to colors, sounds, even smells--of my nightmares?  I can still feel the tactile sensations, the physical pain... I woke myself up screaming 3 times, at least one time I had been thrashing around, I already have bruises on my legs and wrist from hitting the metal frame of my bed.
I don't know how I got back to sleep, but the next round of nightmares was interrupted by my alarm.  I woke up in full panic attack, so I reset the alarm in the hopes that I could lay in bed and calm myself down before I had to get up for work.  Instead I fell asleep again, starting the dream off right where I'd left it.  When my alarm went off again, I called in sick to work.  I don't have a PRN, but since my old one was an antihistamine, I took some benadryl and tried to calm down, then I fell asleep again.  I thankfully don't remember any dreams from that.  I went to dinner with my parents and spent the whole time wringing my hands and frantically texting my therapist.  Awful...  I ended up seeing Darby for some self-soothing, which kind of worked.  Except we watched a show that, even though it's a comedy, big time triggered me.  On my drive home, I started having flashbacks to my rape.  Vivid graphic memories kept flashing in front of my eyes, and the iron grip on my lungs squeezed so hard, I was seeing spots...I was able to stay in the present though by driving on the highway in 30degree weather with my window wide open.  I might get sick but the important thing is I got home safe.  And now I'm here.
God, writing it down feels so good.  Thanks for sharing in my catharsis.

And now, for the better news.
Today marks the one YEAR anniversary of my last suicide attempt, which landed me in the hospital for the 8th and last time of my life (thus far, not gonna head ahead of myself).

I don't really have the energy to be excited right now erg.

I have also been ED-behavior-free for 3 weeks, purge-free for 2 months, and self-harm-free for 2 months.  So yeah, go me.